On Your Block (Premiere)
An Interview With Jolene Raquel LaSalle - by Eric Crow
Picture this: A talent show stage at a mountain retreat in 2016. People are waiting backstage waiting to go on in a spectrum that ranges from slightly nervous to full-on stage fright. About 25 minutes into the show, a woman dressed in elegant black is told by the stage manager that she is on next. She proceeds to sing her heart out to a Patsy Cline song, and the audience loving every minute of it and cheering her on and showing her the kind of support she’s long dreamed about having. There is a paradigm shift in the world that night, and it produces Jolene Racquel LaSalle.
If you spend any
time around Jolene, you learn three things: a) she loves to share her gifts
with the world because of her love of live and living freely; b) if you have
inspired her, she’s not shy about letting you know and she has a tendency to
catch you off guard with words of affirmation or gratitude for doing or saying
something that resonated with her;
and c) if she knows you’re listening, she will take you into her confidence and
speak on things that will change your worldview.
The most significant part of this equation? Jolene is transgender. New Horizons For Fifty is kicking off our “On Your Block”
interview series with Jolene, because she is someone from whom our community
needs to hear and learn. Also, with so much anti-trans hysteria around
bathroom bills and “religious liberty” going around, it should go without
saying but doesn’t that we still have much to learn about being an ally to our
trans brothers and sisters. According to a November 13th article from the
Human Rights Campaign blog, gender identity bias hate crimes accounted for 9.5%
of the total number of hate crimes incidents reported against LGBTQ individuals
in 2017. The more we know about the transgender people in our lives, the better we
will be able to support them and be the allies they need.
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| Entertaining the masses. |
Jolene: I began my transition in September 2015, shortly before going
to my first retreat for people with HIV. In fact, my first group coming out was
at that retreat. I started hormones on December 29, 2015, beginning with a 20 mg
dose of estradiol injected every two weeks, 100 mg of spironolactone daily, and
5 mg of finasteride daily. Over time, my estradiol injection has changed to 40 mg of estradiol injected weekly,
5 mg of finasteride daily, and 5mg of progesterone daily.
I have had a tracheal
shaving and orchiectomy, and am still working to get my facial feminization,
breast augmentation, and vaginoplasty. Most days, I am in a good frame of mind,
although recent events have me trying not to give in to terror. At just over three
years into my transition, I am not yet where I want to be, but I will get
there. My pronouns are she/her/hers.
What was your childhood like, in terms of gender and gender
norms that were expected of you because of the biological sex you were born
with?
Jolene: Growing up, for the most part, I was expected to do the
typical "boy things," and the male parental unit (MPU) in the home
consistently berated me for showing any aspect of my true self. When that
didn't work, he turned to physical abuse—body slamming me, throwing me across
the room, and many other forms of abuse. The only one who seemed to understand,
and who offered me any kind of support (usually hidden from the MPU), was my
mother. She bought me the toys I really wanted to play with—the
Mommy's Little Helper sets that had the miniature vacuum, iron, ironing board,
static sweeper (the one you push along the floor with the roller brush
underneath in the middle that swept everything into the little hinged pans),
broom, dustpan, and mop; the Suzy Homemaker oven; the mini sewing machine; and the
tea sets. Those items, along with my books, my record players, and my board
games were the best friends I had other than Mom. I wanted to ride my bike or go
bowling, but the MPU kept trying to make me the next George Brett…or the next
Jerry West…or the next Joe Namath. But it wasn’t just him; everyone wanted me
to wear pants, shirts, ties, short hair, and they wanted me play contact sports
and beat people up, and all I wanted to do was be the little girl I truly was. I
always felt so damned out of place. I hated it. And I lived in fear of what
would happen when people found out.
Tell us about the moment you first realized you identified as transgender? Also, was there a specific/definitive moment or instance that compelled you to start your transition, a kind of moment where you knew you had to start living your truth?
Jolene: I honestly have to say that I always knew I was transgender,
but didn't have the words for it. And growing up in the shadow of the McCarthy
era and the fear of anyone and anything that was different, as well as growing
up less than 20 miles of the largest chapter of the KKK in my state, I knew I
had to hide that fact even from myself if I didn't want to be killed. As an
adult, I did the occasional drag show, always accompanied by friends who acted
as bodyguards, and felt so free and true on stage, wearing high
heels, long wigs, polished, press-on nails, makeup and dresses, and singing in
my real voice rather than forcing myself to "put some bass in it" for
everyone else. Even then, I knew I could never get the help I needed to be my
real self if I kept living where I grew up. I endured many more years of
abusive and toxic relationships, all the while trying to sublimate and ignore
who I really was. I even pretended I wanted to be the next Buck Owens, when I
really wanted to be the next Patsy Cline.
I attempted suicide twelve times between the ages of 16 and 32. I have spent time on at least two inpatient psych wards. The last time I was in an inpatient ward was in 1995, where I was finally able to begin dealing with the abuse of my childhood. I began the work of learning not to blame myself for the actions of the MPU, including his six years of sexual assaults on me on top of his terrorizing me. I still have to watch that I don't blame myself for abuse meted out by others.
In September of
2015, almost seven months after being diagnosed as HIV+, (on top of being
homeless), I finally had a chance to really look back over my life and realize
that I had to stop trying to hide the fact that I was never a man—always a
woman. Even though society was telling me I was a gay man, I never felt like I fit
in with other gay men, not even the stereotypical, super-feminine “nelly” gay
men. The flat chest, the facial hair, the penis and scrotal sac—none of that
felt right to me, because I never saw a male body when I looked in the mirror. I
always saw a female body. And so, there came the day when I finally said the
words, "I'm a transwoman" out loud. I was finally free from the prison
of societal masks, and it felt as if all the burdens of the world finally
lifted off of me. In that moment, I knew I had taken an irreversible step
toward living in truth.
Was it easy to talk to people about your feelings and experience when
you first started transitioning? How did people respond/react to hearing the
news from you?
Jolene: When I first started my transition, it was easier to talk to
some people than others. In fact, the ones it seemed hardest to talk to were
other transwomen. Caitlyn Jenner had just come out, and a lot of media was
focused on her, her regarding her interview with her Diane Sawyer, as well as
the (Friday) evening her Vanity Fair cover and interview. Nothing was stated in
either case about the months-long gap between the interview and the magazine appearance,
which depicted Caitlyn with shoulder length hair, breasts, facial feminization
and a dress, looking a fully-formed woman. As a result, I was being pressured
to announce my real name and dress for the HRC gala way too soon. I was being
treated as if I weren't trans enough simply because I did not have the
wherewithal to come out as trans on Monday, announce my real name on Tuesday,
begin HRT (hormone replacement therapy) on Wednesday, have my GCS on Thursday,
and appear all glammed up at the HRC banquet on Friday. Even my first therapist
was adding to this feeling.
The first group I
actually said anything to was my family group at my first Strength for the
Journey retreat a week after I came out. It was because of our first night ice
breaker guided imagery exercise. The love I felt when I shared what my guided
imagery was and what it meant was out of this universe. Over the course
of that week, I shared with others at the retreat, mainly because of the
support and empowerment I received from my brothers in my family group. Not
only did they take the time to ask me about my real name, and my pronouns in a
non-pressuring way, they made sure I knew that they had my back and that they would
not allow anyone to harass me in any way. I still keep in touch with many of
them, through Facebook, email, phone calls and texting. It was so different
from how I was treated by transwomen in the beginning.
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| Truckin' along. |
What resources do you have at your disposal to help
you through this process? Also, who is in your support system?
Jolene: Right now, all I have are my hormones, local thrift and
discount stores, and my Facebook groups for resources. Due to ecent
actions in the local trans community, I no longer feel safe going into the
gayborhood, so in terms of my support system, it comes more via Facebook than I do locally and abroad. Many members of my support network aren't even in the US.
What has been the most difficult part of your transition? The easiest part? What has surprised you about the process?
Jolene: As I touched on earlier, the most difficult part of my
transition has been trying to avoid listening to those who tell me I'm not
trans enough because I haven't had my facial feminization surgery, breast
enlargement or bottom surgery, as well as those who tell me I'm not trans
enough unless I am always in dresses, high heels, makeup, long hair, and fully
manicured nails. The easiest part has been talking and singing in my natural
voice for the first time, beginning three years ago. I have been able to regain
my full female vocal range over time, even though it has dropped from the high
soprano to the upper alto/lower soprano range. What has surprised me the most
about the process is how much of a reversal of the aging process my transition
has caused, in terms of my physical appearance. Well, that, and how I see more
and more of my mother I see when I look in the mirror.
At this moment in time, are you satisfied with where you are in
your transition? Why or why not?
Jolene: At this moment, though I am fairly content with where I am in
my transition, I am not totally happy. This is mainly because I still want my
facial, breast, and bottom surgery, and repeatedly having to jump through the
same hoops to achieve this gets tiring and frustrating.
What advice do you have for those who read this and realize that
they must follow in your footsteps and live their truth?
Jolene: Simply this: Remember that it is a process, and a long one.
This is due to many factors, including the difficulty of finding trans-competent
physicians, pharmacists, surgeons or mental health professionals. Avail
yourself of any and all resources around you, including the closed and secret
groups for the transgender community on Facebook. And expect the unexpected.
While all of us who are transgender have the same general feelings and share many
commonalities in our journeys, each transition is unique. Not all hormonally
based changes occur at the same speed. Not all medical professionals know how
to treat transpeople. Become your own best advocate.
The President and his baggage notwithstanding, what is the
damage being done to the transgender community by our
political/social/religious institutions?
Jolene: The biggest damage being done to the transgender community by these
institutions is the blatant and repeated attempts to erase us from existence,
through laws that try to force us into bathrooms that don't match our true
identities, and then laws permitting discrimination in jobs, housing,
education, and even where we shop or eat out. Laws that refuse us the right to
get new birth certificates and identifications reflecting our true identities,
and laws that restrict our access to competent, affirming health care coverage
and health care itself. Congregations that refuse to allow us to worship freely
and deny us spiritual guidance. Societal attitudes that encourage dehumanizing
us and make it easier for our attackers to get off scot free by claiming
"trans panic." All of these contribute to a 24/7 sense of fear,
hypervigilance, and terror that can go from low-level to PTSD levels. All of
this needs to be worked on and corrected so that transpeople can live in safety
and security.
Are you hopeful for the future of trans rights/trans equality?
What do you think is the best thing to remember or hold on to during the tough
times, both currently and in general regarding being transgender?
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| Looking stunning at a banquet. |
Jolene: I am cautiously hopeful for the future of trans rights/trans
equality. I say that because I have lived through the most recent, long
battle that is still going on for LGBT rights overall. We still don't even have
full rights and protections for cisgender people of color, nor do we have full
rights and protections for cisgender women.
The best thing for us to remember and hold onto during these
tough times, whether transgender or a member of any other demographic that is
not ultrawealthy, cisgender, caucasian, heterosexual, conservative male, is
that we all need one another, and all of us who are not of the above
demographic need to come together, seek out our areas of commonality and use
that along with our diversity, so that we can bring more people into the voting
booths, to show how all of our concerns join together and overlap, and work
together toward the common goal of improving life for all.
Resources:
GLAAD Media Reference Guide: https://www.glaad.org/reference/transgender
Transgender Identity Terms and Labels (Planned Parenthood): https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation-gender/trans-and-gender-nonconforming-identities/transgender-identity-terms-and-labels
Statistical Refernce: https://www.hrc.org/blog/new-fbi-statistics-show-alarming-increase-in-number-of-reported-hate-crimes
Family Health Center of San Diego: https://www.fhcsd.org/transgender-health-services/
Family Health Center of San Diego: https://www.fhcsd.org/transgender-health-services/
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It was quite a pleasure getting to know about Jolene and her experiences and philosophy regarding her transition. Think of the wealth of information to be found if we get to know them.
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