Consent Culture - by Eric Crow

    Preface: I'd first conceived of "consent culture" as the antidote to "rape culture," but after just a  bit of googling, I learned just how long the term has been around. Therefore, this is my take on it in a "let's see what  naturally follows to me when I think about the term" way. That said, this is but a conversation starter, and I hope that people reading this will feel free to add to or take away as needed, for both short and long-term.

    "Consent culture" is defined as gestures and expressions that help create a safe space for people to explore their sexuality and the spiritual side of their sexuality, burgeoning, evolving or continuing, without having to worry about unwanted attention or touch. At its core is asking permission to touch another person's body, but it goes many layers deeper than the flesh. This should not be that hard for people to grasp, especially those who started exploring their non-vanilla side in days of the "old guard" Leather. Back then, if you didn't ask first, it was a serious breach in protocol and you'd have people breathing down your neck in a hot second.

Consent culture is also about more than the immediacy of a (gay) bar or play party. It is also about taking no for an answer to any form of unwanted touch or attention. It’s also about building people up so that they will begin to understand that they have the right to demand the same treatment for their own person as is being expected of them. The days where bathhouse rules were the rule are long gone, and I personally never enjoyed it when I would get in a hot tub after just walking into Vulcan Steam & Sauna, only to have someone not read the room and get that I was just relaxing and didn't want to play yet.

Consent culture, like any form of positive, psychological re-conditioning, takes time to learn, and more specifically, it’s about unlearning all past behaviors that have been normalized for gay men by other gay men. It can happens in more than just the immediacy of the places we go and the things we do. It can happens by changing the media we consume, and it can also take root in the world of social media, however harrowing that journey may be. 

Consent culture happens when we start to regard each person as having agency over their body and letting them verbalize their consent before reaching out to touch someone before it gets too late. It means the final determining factor comes from my voice as I say “yes” or “no,” instead of people looking for “non-verbal cues” from others, when they look at a person and think they can just help themselves. Does this mean that we as Leatherfolk and kinky have to start foregoing safe words? Possibly, because it means that we have to place more trust in the fact that a person says yes or no because they’ve thought about it and they know what they mean. It is starting to seem like we automatically think of the bottom as whole and complete. Consent is a boundary, however, it seems that there are instances when consent seems to be at odds with the “thrill of the chase.” The more clear the boundaries, the more exciting the chase, some times. (It helps me understand whether there is genuine interest.)

Consent culture argues that what was okay in 1991 may not be okay in 2021. It does does not long for and wax nostalgic over days when consent was non-verbal, because if that were still true, it would mean having to accept all other parts of that time period as being right and good, and this could go back to days of rampant sexism and racism.

Consent culture can include the prospect that maybe, just maybe, “no” can be a safe word in certain situations once in a while. If you ever hear the phrase “boys will be boys,” that rarely implies that consent has been attained or has even been a forethought. 

Consent culture regard autonomy of body and self as the highest ideal, and that all forms of communication follow according to this ideal. It also respects boundaries and values assertiveness, which can sometimes seem at odds with the dom/sub mindset, but yet must now be welcomed in. (Our bars and public spaces can get pretty crowded and energetic, but we still have to keep our wits about us and remember that not everyone is a “pinching cushion,” so to speak.) 

The shorter way of saying this is that consent culture dictates that I am the boss of my body. (Christianity/religion plays a role here, and one of the most problematic teachings is 1:Corinthians 6:19-20, which says the opposite—I am not my own, because I belong to Jesus, as well as the notion that “Jesus is coming back for his bride and wants an unblemished church.” Children hear this scripture or iterations of it repeatedly in Sunday School who internalize it to only deleterious ends. Religion and personal autonomy are seemingly like oil and water for most—they don’t mix, but people don’t understand that. 

Consent culture also produces an environment where people feel free to speak out about violation of consent to any appropriate staff at a bar, club or event, and they can know that their voice will be heard. I personally have moments when I want to go into a bar and be touched and taken on whatever path someone wants to take me on, because sometimes the journey takes me to places I never would have gone. But this is not the case all the time, and I’m not always in the mood, and when I say no, I mean no and want to be taken seriously. No is not a four-letter word, so if I say it to you, I’m not cussing you out.

Conclusion: As stated above, this is a conversation starter. I don’t know it all my damn self, and neither does anyone reading, but together, we know enough to take steps to effect change. So let’s hear from you—what do you want to see written in future topics that will make the concept more complete and actionable? Please email me at mrlbl2019@yahoo.com or message me on social. 

©2021 Eric Franklin Crow